When a Japanese coworker or neighbor loses a family member, the first practical question is usually the same: how much money do you bring, and in what envelope? The gift is called koden, and although the exact rules depend on your relationship, religion, and region, the basic etiquette is far easier to learn than it first looks.
What is koden? Koden (香典) is a cash gift offered to a bereaved family at a wake (tsuya) or funeral. It is normally given once, at whichever event you attend first, and the amount depends on your relationship with the family.
This guide is the step-by-step companion to our broader look at Japanese funerals and mourning customs. It covers what koden is, how much people typically give, how to prepare the envelope, and what to say when you hand it over.
What Is Koden?
Koden (香典) is a cash gift offered to a bereaved family at a wake (tsuya) or funeral. The word literally means an offering of incense, a reminder of the days when mourners brought incense and other offerings to the family. Today it is money, and its purpose is twofold: to express condolences and to help the family with the considerable costs of a funeral.
In return, the family usually sends back a small gift called kodengaeshi after the funeral. Koden is normally given once, at whichever event you attend first, whether that is the wake or the funeral itself. At the second event you simply sign the guest book.
How Much to Give
Amounts vary by region, age, and how close you were to the person who died, and families occasionally announce that they decline koden altogether. The ranges below are commonly cited guidelines rather than fixed rules, and younger people generally give somewhat less than older ones.
- Neighbor or acquaintance: around ¥3,000 to ¥5,000
- Coworker: around ¥5,000 (many offices collect a joint gift, so ask first)
- Boss or business contact: around ¥5,000 to ¥10,000
- Friend or a friend’s parent: around ¥5,000 to ¥10,000
- Grandparent: around ¥10,000 to ¥30,000
- Sibling: around ¥30,000 to ¥50,000
- Parent: around ¥50,000 to ¥100,000
Avoid amounts containing the numbers four and nine, because their readings (shi and ku) sound like the words for death and suffering. Giving far more than the usual range can also backfire, since the family feels obliged to match it with a more expensive return gift. When in doubt, ask a Japanese coworker or friend what the group is doing.
Choosing the Right Envelope
Koden envelopes are sold at convenience stores, stationery shops, and even 100-yen shops, usually labeled 香典袋 or 不祝儀袋 (fushugi-bukuro). Look for a plain white envelope with a black-and-white or silver cord (mizuhiki) tied in a knot that cannot be undone. The knot carries a meaning: a funeral is not something anyone wants to repeat.
Check the lotus flowers. Envelopes printed with lotus flowers are for Buddhist funerals only and should not be used for Shinto or Christian ones. The label at the top of the envelope also depends on the religion:
- 御霊前 (goreizen): widely used for the first 49 days after a death in most Buddhist funerals
- 御仏前 (gobutsuzen): used after the 49-day mark, and by some Buddhist traditions such as Jodo Shinshu from the start
- 御香典 (gokoden): a general Buddhist label
- 御玉串料 (gotamagushi-ryo) or 御榊料: used at Shinto funerals
- 御花料 (ohana-ryo): used at Christian funerals
If you do not know the family’s faith, ask someone close to them. A plain white envelope labeled 御霊前 is the choice most commonly made when the religion is unknown, with the exception of Jodo Shinshu funerals.
Writing Your Name and the Amount
On the front of the outer envelope, write your full name below the label, centered. The traditional choice is a brush pen with pale ink (usuzumi), which is said to suggest tears diluting the ink. If you cannot find one, a black brush pen is acceptable. Avoid ballpoint pens and pencils. If you are giving on behalf of a company, write the company name and your title.
Many envelopes have an inner envelope. Write the amount on its front in the formal kanji numerals used for money, for example 金参千円 for ¥3,000, 金五千円 for ¥5,000, or 金壱万円 for ¥10,000. On the back, write your address and name at the lower left so the family knows where to send the return gift. Some envelopes have printed boxes for all of this.
For the money itself, the traditional advice is to use older, slightly used bills rather than crisp new ones, because new bills can suggest you were prepared for the death. If you only have new bills, fold them once before inserting. Place them all facing the same direction, commonly with the portraits facing the back of the inner envelope.
Wrapping and Handing It Over
Carry the envelope inside a small cloth wrapper called a fukusa. Purple is the safe choice because it suits both funerals and celebrations, and dark gray or navy also work. If you do not have one, a small dark cloth or a plain folder is better than carrying the envelope loose.
At the reception desk (uketsuke), bow slightly and offer a short condolence in a quiet voice. Two common phrases are 「このたびはご愁傷さまです」 (kono tabi wa goshushosama desu) and 「心よりお悔やみ申し上げます」 (kokoro yori okuyami moshiagemasu). Take the envelope out of the cloth, turn it so that your name faces the person receiving it, and offer it with both hands, much as you would present a business card. Then sign the guest book with your name and address. Keep everything brief, and avoid words that directly mention death.
Quiet, slow movements matter here. The art of bowing applies at a funeral too: a modest, respectful bow tells the family more than any words.
If You Cannot Attend
You still have options. You can ask a colleague or friend who is attending to hand over your koden together with a note carrying your name, or send it by genkin kakitome, a registered mail service from the post office designed for sending cash, together with a short condolence letter. Some people also visit the family’s home a little later to offer condolences in person. Transfers by bank are not a standard option unless the family specifically asks for one.
Frequently Asked Questions
Do foreigners have to give koden?
There is no legal obligation, but coworkers, friends, and neighbors commonly give it, and the family usually appreciates the gesture. If you work in a Japanese company, follow what your colleagues do.
What if the family says they decline koden?
Respect the request and do not bring one. A short condolence message or, if appropriate, flowers may be a better way to show you care.
Can I use new bills?
Traditionally new bills are avoided because they suggest preparation for the death. If you only have new ones, fold them once before putting them in the envelope.
What if I don’t know the family’s religion?
Ask a person close to the family. If you cannot, a plain white envelope labeled 御霊前 is the most commonly chosen option, except for Jodo Shinshu funerals, where 御仏前 is used.
Do I give koden at both the wake and the funeral?
No. Give it once, at the first event you attend. At the second you only need to sign the guest book.
A Small Envelope, a Careful Gesture
The exact amount matters less than the care shown in the details: the right envelope, a name written neatly in brush pen, the cloth wrapper, and the two-handed offering. These small steps signal respect at a moment when words are hard to find.
If you want to understand why such formal care surrounds money gifts in Japan, our guides to Japanese wedding rules and the art of gift-giving explore the same habits from the other side of life’s big events.
Related Reading
- The Meaning Behind Japanese Funerals and Mourning Customs
- Why Japanese Weddings Follow Such Strict Rules
- The Art of Gift-Giving in Japan — Why the Wrapping Matters as Much as the Gift
- The Art of Bowing in Japan — What Every Angle Means and Why It Matters
- Japanese Etiquette and Unwritten Rules: The Complete Guide